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[maskintape]

It's Tim. I guess I'm busy, so... Leave a message.

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[armoured]

[There's a pause, before he sweeps past the moment of warmth before Tim can get all awkward about it.]

But I'm not a spirit, you made it sound like I was a ghost!

[Rude.]

[maskintape]

[ Al.

Al pls. ]

Nah, you pretty much are a spooky ghost. A non-dead one. Undead, I guess. Like a zombie?

You're a zombie ghost, man.

[armoured]

No, I'm not.

[The sound of the metal facepalm is totally audible right now.]

I'm definitely not a ghost or a zombie. I still have a body, a living body, I've-- I've seen it.

[His voice falters a little there, that was one of the last things he remembered before arriving in this place after all.]

[maskintape]

Zombie goasts, leave this place.

[ So it's come to this. Tim Wright spouting memes to someone who can't possibly understand them while coughlaughing like an asshole.

Look at your life, Tim.

Look at your choices. ]

But okay, so - you're what. A misplaced soul? I dunno. Point is it's a lot easier to explain in the heat of the moment if I just go with spooky haunted armour guy.

[armoured]

[What--?

He knows there was some joke made, if only because of Tim's weird wheeze laughing, but he has literally no idea what it was.]

Please don't call me that again.

[Why must he have to deal with Tim Wright? Why did he keep persisting in a friendship?]

It might be easier, but it's really not true. Especially not the zombie part.

[maskintape]

Okay, it's - it's a thing, back home. A story. Famous for being terrible, and one of the best lines in it is 'zombie goasts, leave this place!' and... it - it's just a thing.

[ Memeing was bad. Explaining memes is an entirely new low. ]

I know it's not accurate or whatever. Like - as far as I know you haven't eaten even a single brain.

[ He literally has to bite his lip to avoid saying "yet." It doesn't help that Jay is snickering over his shoulder like a tool. ]

[armoured]

[If he heard Jay snickering, or knew that someone else could hear their conversation, he really would be mad. Telling Clayton when he was in danger was one thing, letting someone else listen in when he's not is something else entirely.]

...the stories in your world sound really weird.

[Seriously? SERIOUSLY?]

And what have brains got to do with it?

[The undead myth hasn't evolved to brains by 1915, it's still just the flesh of other humans.]

[maskintape]

[ JAY JUST PRICKED UP HIS EARS AT INTERNET MEMES OK AL CAN CALM HIS METAPHORICAL TITS HIS SECRET IS SAFE!! ]

...zombies? They eat brains. You know what a zombie is but you don't know what they do? Come on. I'm not even a horror guy, this is - it's basic stuff.

[armoured]

That's not been in any of the legends I've heard before.

[Not that he's heard many, he was always too busy reading alchemical books to pay attention to fiction.]

The undead just feast on the flesh of the living, I suppose that includes brains but it isn't limited to them.

[maskintape]

No, you got it wrong. They eat the brains, but they bite other places so they can turn other people into zombies. It's the circle of life.

 

 

Unlife.

[armoured]

Really?

[Now he's starting to doubt his own memories, this isn't exactly his area of expertise.]

I guess I could be remembering it wrong, it's been a long time since I heard a scary story like that. Probably not since I used to sit up with Ed at night when we were little.

[maskintape]

Huh. Never would've thought you were the kind of kid to be into the spooky junk. Unless, uh - it was your brother who liked that or whatever.

[armoured]

Neither of us were really into things like that, but we read a lot and sometimes it was fun to talk about things that weren't alchemy.

[Not often, but sometimes.]

Most of the time we'd just talk about the theories we'd read that day, though. Or argue over who got the better pillow.

[maskintape]

Doesn't sound that far off what me and Jay do now, so.

That was a joke. Since half the time this stuff goes way over your head.

[armoured]

Are you sure it was a joke.

[Two can play at this teasing game.]

[maskintape]

Of course.

Jay always gets the better pillow, or he wakes up cranky.

[ a muffled "OH MY GOD TIM WHY" can be heard from a short distance away, quickly followed by one of Tim's asshole snortlaughs. WHAT A GOOD FRIEND. ]

[armoured]

[He chuckles, though he's definitely on Jay's side in this.]

Oh! That explains why you're so cranky all the time, then.

[maskintape]

Please. It'd take a goddamn four-poster bed with feather pillows to stop me being cranky.

[armoured]

You mean there is a way to do it?

[Cue an overly shocked and dramatic gasp.]

[maskintape]

Cigarettes would help too, just - just putting that out there.

[ The physical cravings might be over with, but GDIT HE MISSES HIS GROSS CANCER STICKS ]

[armoured]

If I find any then I'll make sure to save them for you.

[1915 Amestris has no problem with smoking, go right ahead and suck that cancer into your lungs, friend.]

Cigarettes and a four poster bed, I can't wait to see what you'll be like when you've had both.

[maskintape]

Heh. If we were back home, I could get you a tape. Exclusive footage of the lesser-spotted Happy Tim in its natural habitat.

[ No four-poster beds involved or anything. ]

[armoured]

I'd like to see your home one day, it must be amazing coming from a place where motion capture is so freely available.

[Amestris is so technologically backwards.]

[maskintape]

Nah. Not much different to here. Less snow. More trees. Same problems.

Absolutely nothing there worth going back to. Or - going to visit, I guess. Whatever.

[armoured]

You don't want to go home?

[Surprise bleeds through clearly, he hadn't expected Tim to feel that strongly.]