I don't really expect you to read this all the way through, if at all. Or maybe you will. I don't know--I've been making a lot of assumptions lately and none of them have done me any good. Let's just say I'm writing this for my own peace of mind and leave it at that.
I think it goes without saying that I haven't been entirely truthful with you. Saying that I didn't mean anyone any harm in it isn't a good enough excuse, I know, but I mean it when I say it. I'm a doctor, Tim. I take my job very seriously. A lot of the time that means I'm put in a position where I have to help people who probably don't deserve to be helped. I've treated murderers before. It's been my experience that they feel pain, grief, and regret just like all of my other patients. I get close to them, just like the others; sometimes they tell me things they probably shouldn't, whether to help treat them or out of shock or desperation, I don't know, I don't question them. I help them and I keep their secrets safe--not just because it's my job, but because I care about their safety, and because I want to give them that chance to heal.
It's a dangerous position to be in. Sometimes...I don't handle it with the caution that I should.
I've been thinking a lot about if I should tell you what Alex and I discussed. It's been a little bit since he died, we both know that there's a chance he could come back. He's confided in me and I owe him that trust, as his doctor. But I thought about it more, and I think the problem is that I've been approaching everyone here as my patients first. It's kind of easy to fall into that mindset in a place like this, I guess. What I should have done was worked with you as my friend. It's no wonder you don't see me that way anymore, if the feeling wasn't as mutual as I told myself it was...and I doubt I'll be able to make it up to you now, after screwing up so badly. But that doesn't mean I don't owe you the truth.
That's enough rambling. Yeah, I helped Alex. Based on what Brian confronted me with when I first woke up tied up in the bathroom, I'm pretty sure that's not what he came after me for; the details of the first day or so are a little hazy, so I'm not sure what inspired me to tell him what else was going on. It's not really important how it happened and I don't blame him for what he did.
I helped him first unintentionally. You remember when the monsters--I guess we're supposed to call them "anomalies" now?--first started showing up, and they swarmed where people with beacons were staying? It was getting late, the shack I was in was surrounded, and someone messaged me asking if anyone was inside. I didn't recognize the username, he gave me his name after I was able to get him inside and I didn't recognize that, either. He stayed the night and was quiet, but amicable. He seemed thankful for the help and hospitality. Maybe he was just acting out of necessity, I don't know. People will do interesting things when they think their lives are in danger.
I couldn't see him as a killer, but I believed you when you told me he was. We'd shared enough already that I didn't want to think you were lying. I was still worried for him. You told me yourself that you and Jay didn't think he deserved to be hurt, but that didn't speak for the other guy. I knew he would find out what was going on the next time he came back and I was afraid what would happen, so I warned Alex. I told him to stay close to me and keep me updated on his movements so I could keep him away from other people. He said he had a similar problem to yours--some fragment of the tall guy attached to him that he wanted to get rid of. I told him about my powers and that I could start coaching him to block it out, until they came back. I never told him where you or Jay were, or where Brian was, or what you guys were up to. He just wanted my help. Genuinely or not...I can't turn that down. I just wanted to keep you all safe.
...I'm afraid I won't even be able to do that now, with how badly I've handled this whole mess. I'm not going to tell anyone else what happened, I'll still tell people that this is all my fault so they stay off your trail, but I understand completely that you don't want me involved anymore. God, but it hurts though. I guess that's the point, and Lord knows I deserve it. I wish there was more I could do but I don't deserve the second chance.
I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I've messed up. I'm in so much pain from this that I can't sleep anymore. I can't even show you how much it hurts because it'll wake up the rest of the house and they'll ask what's wrong. I'm miserable and it's probably not even a tenth of how miserable you are after all of this. I'm so sorry.
...God, and this probably just woke you up on top of everything else. Par for the course, I guess.
day 057, late night - text - @claytonator
I think it goes without saying that I haven't been entirely truthful with you. Saying that I didn't mean anyone any harm in it isn't a good enough excuse, I know, but I mean it when I say it. I'm a doctor, Tim. I take my job very seriously. A lot of the time that means I'm put in a position where I have to help people who probably don't deserve to be helped. I've treated murderers before. It's been my experience that they feel pain, grief, and regret just like all of my other patients. I get close to them, just like the others; sometimes they tell me things they probably shouldn't, whether to help treat them or out of shock or desperation, I don't know, I don't question them. I help them and I keep their secrets safe--not just because it's my job, but because I care about their safety, and because I want to give them that chance to heal.
It's a dangerous position to be in. Sometimes...I don't handle it with the caution that I should.
I've been thinking a lot about if I should tell you what Alex and I discussed. It's been a little bit since he died, we both know that there's a chance he could come back. He's confided in me and I owe him that trust, as his doctor. But I thought about it more, and I think the problem is that I've been approaching everyone here as my patients first. It's kind of easy to fall into that mindset in a place like this, I guess. What I should have done was worked with you as my friend. It's no wonder you don't see me that way anymore, if the feeling wasn't as mutual as I told myself it was...and I doubt I'll be able to make it up to you now, after screwing up so badly. But that doesn't mean I don't owe you the truth.
That's enough rambling. Yeah, I helped Alex. Based on what Brian confronted me with when I first woke up tied up in the bathroom, I'm pretty sure that's not what he came after me for; the details of the first day or so are a little hazy, so I'm not sure what inspired me to tell him what else was going on. It's not really important how it happened and I don't blame him for what he did.
I helped him first unintentionally. You remember when the monsters--I guess we're supposed to call them "anomalies" now?--first started showing up, and they swarmed where people with beacons were staying? It was getting late, the shack I was in was surrounded, and someone messaged me asking if anyone was inside. I didn't recognize the username, he gave me his name after I was able to get him inside and I didn't recognize that, either. He stayed the night and was quiet, but amicable. He seemed thankful for the help and hospitality. Maybe he was just acting out of necessity, I don't know. People will do interesting things when they think their lives are in danger.
I couldn't see him as a killer, but I believed you when you told me he was. We'd shared enough already that I didn't want to think you were lying. I was still worried for him. You told me yourself that you and Jay didn't think he deserved to be hurt, but that didn't speak for the other guy. I knew he would find out what was going on the next time he came back and I was afraid what would happen, so I warned Alex. I told him to stay close to me and keep me updated on his movements so I could keep him away from other people. He said he had a similar problem to yours--some fragment of the tall guy attached to him that he wanted to get rid of. I told him about my powers and that I could start coaching him to block it out, until they came back. I never told him where you or Jay were, or where Brian was, or what you guys were up to. He just wanted my help. Genuinely or not...I can't turn that down. I just wanted to keep you all safe.
...I'm afraid I won't even be able to do that now, with how badly I've handled this whole mess. I'm not going to tell anyone else what happened, I'll still tell people that this is all my fault so they stay off your trail, but I understand completely that you don't want me involved anymore. God, but it hurts though. I guess that's the point, and Lord knows I deserve it. I wish there was more I could do but I don't deserve the second chance.
I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I've messed up. I'm in so much pain from this that I can't sleep anymore. I can't even show you how much it hurts because it'll wake up the rest of the house and they'll ask what's wrong. I'm miserable and it's probably not even a tenth of how miserable you are after all of this. I'm so sorry.
...God, and this probably just woke you up on top of everything else. Par for the course, I guess.